Hugh Dallas

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So old Dallas got bonkled on the head? I didn't think milk tokens could do so much damage. I'm sorry, but I have no sympathy. It shouldn't be done,it's wholly reprehensible, but I DO condone it (over the last ten years, the word 'You simply can't condone& ' is the most over-used, tiresome phrase in the English language). No-one ever used that word before, and yet now even the most ill-educated know how to use it, as Davie Provan proved on Sky telly. At least Charlie Nicholas said it was To'ally Unac-Septable. I like Nicholas - he doesn't use telly-speak, ever. It might be pish, but it's honestly felt and well-expressed. And he's not wrong a lot of the time.Two years ago he was predicting good things for Hearts, (and he was right.)

But back to Hugh Dallas. I've wanted to stick one on him for his crimes over the last few years. He didn't send off Ross Jack for kicking John Robertson in the face in the Cup semi because he thought it was accidental. He didn't even book the thug. He eventually sent off Robertson on the word of some idiot leg-shaver with a flag, and Robbo took off the head bandage that was making him look like Wee Burnie, Rab Nesbitt's boy, and walked off, shaking his head. And do the words 'Coca' and 'Cola' bring another of Dallas's Magic Moments to mind? Fantasy Football showed he was a Contestant on 'Family Fortunes' fifteen years ago. "Hugh, we asked a hundred people if they thought Gough fouled Robertson& ." I can't replicate the noise the machine made when he gave his decision, but you know how it sounds.

I'm not sympathising, by the way, with those greetin' Sellik fans who are saying he shouldn't have sent Mahe off, he'd lost the plot, all the rest of it. I'm just angry that if Mahe had given him the same amount of mouth in a Celtic-Hearts game, Dallas would have run away from it. And That's A Fact, Jack. It was quite funny, though, to hear Davie Provan say, after the penalty had been awarded, "Well, some people might see that a vindictive decision& ." Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Yes, David, Thank You for your objective voice of reason! Glesca and the Weegie media don't realise how they are regarded as a planet on its own, and that it would be so much better if non-affiliates commentated or analysed the game.

Gordon Smith on the BBC is the Prime Suspect, and his gracelessness after last year's Cup Final was a joy to behold. He is pure Hun, 100% and purer than crack cocaine. Only for thirty minutes before and after the fitba' on Satuday does the Natural Order subside as Stuart Cosgrove and Tam Cowan (of St J and the ex-Steelman, respective)take the airwaves of BBC Scotland, and they rip Celtic and Rangers to shreds. They don't spare other teams either (their predictions for Hearts in the year 3000 were to be anticipating a trophy; cannae blame them for that) and for Rangers to be hoping that Sebastian Rozenthal the 57th might be fit for his first game against Hamilton on Saturday) but it's so refreshing to hear something from a non-Weegie perspective - ie, my own and many others'.

Perhaps I wouldn't mind if Celtic and Rangers were Any Good. But they're not, they're Crap, and they deserve their troubles. If I were in the business of being objective, I'd sympathise and say that playing in the Scottish Leagues means they're forever stuck with having to play a lot of pitifully-poor teams and then try and take on the likes of Parma. But I'm as biased as they come, and they've got to learn to like it - and let's faceit,yer average Teddy Bear loves it when they bang in their sixth against Albion Rovers.

David Murray and Fergus McCann haven't a clue what to do about the core support of their clubs, scum of the highest order, but indispensable to their ambitions. The man who laid Dallas low is not a dinosaur, he is not something from the past Celtic need to be rid of. He and his like are intrinsic to Celtic's future, because without those idiots Celtic will not fill their big stadium: and the same goes for Rangers. The center-classes will turn up for Juventus, Marseilles, Parma, sure. But not for the bread-and-I-Can't-Believe-It-Is-Butter brand of unpleasant, bigoted, loyal, wonderful football fan that is what Celtic and Rangers are made of. Gary Lineker and his like will be saying how wonderful the game will be before it happens, and how dreadful everything was by the end, without realising that he's hypocritically praising and damning the same thing. The hand-wringing journalists in the Glasgow Herald and the Scotsman are as guilty. They know what it's like, and they make their living from it. Then when it all goes pear-shaped, they go to the stables and purchase A High Horse they all get on. Well, fuck 'em. All these people who think we're living in a Brave New World don't need disillusioned by watching Kosovo on their tellies - it's here, it's now, and it's not going to go away, not for a very long time.

I thank you.

Chief Grouser 1999

Chief Grouser