Tabloid classics No. 1

From the Daily Ratbag - Thanks to 'Fraser the Hibby' for supplying it and adding the comments.

Derek Johnstone Has Secret Lovechild No2

FORMER Rangers player Derek Johnstone has a second secret lovechild, it emerged last night.

Johnstone's wife Marion and their four children have been left devastated by his latest confession. The son was born the same year Johnstone and Marion got married. He is now 21 and plays drums for the Scottish National Youth Orchestra. <Don't they mean a flute band?>

Just last year, Johnstone's children also learned they have an older half-sister, Pauline Smith. Last night, Marion said: "Derek is a rat."<A very fat rat> "He has built up a whole world of lies."

And in an exclusive interview, Johnstone and Marion's daughter Donna told of the heartache he has brought to the family.

The boy's mother met Johnstone when she appeared with the Rangers team on the front of a club LP in the 70s. <What would you give for a copy of that LP cover?>

But it is claimed Johnstone, 45, has never acknowledged his secret son, who can't be named.
A friend of the young man's family said: "He has never given him a penny or even a birthday card."
As Johnstone walked Marion down the aisle in 1978, his lover was nursing their child. The youngster would grow up to be both academically and musically gifted, and become dux of his secondary school. <!!! Spawn of Derek Johnstone??? Throw this out of court. Cancel the DNA test!>

Marion, 43, who separated from Johnstone recently saying he cheated on her, added last night: "If I had found out about this back then, I would never have married him."
"He didn't even say s rry. He just asked me what all the fuss was about because he said it happened before we met."

The son has been subject of rumours for years and the family friend said: "He used to get teased at school because he is Johnstone's spit." <Fair enough - we all know what kind of spit comes out of a knob-head ...>

But the family of Radio Clyde football pundit Johnstone had not heard the whispers.
It's thought he confided in friends and the truth began to leak out Johnstone's daughter Donna, 19, told the Record:

"Dad phoned me at work and said he needed to speak to me about something.
"I went to meet him and he told me I had a half-brother."I was really shocked although, funnily,
not as shocked as when I found out about Pauline.
"It's strange to think that these people have been growing up and we knew nothing about them."
She went on: "I suppose a lot of temptation has been put in his way over the years.
"I can't condone what my dad has done but I have to forgive him. At the end of the day, he is still my
"I feel so sorry for my mum but I am stuck in the center because I have always been so close to dad."

Donna confirmed her mother did not know of the son's existence and said: "A family friend told my mum a couple of days after dad told us. She was very upset."
Systems controller Donna, who doted on her famous father as she grew up, said she had no intention of
meeting the son.
Her half-sister Pauline lives in Aberdeen and earlier this month, her grandmother claimed the ex-player
refused to take any responsibility for her. Widow Jane Smith, 82, said:
"He's a rat." <It's official then>

Johnstone and Marion split three weeks ago.
He quit the home in Houston, Renfrewshire, which he shared with her and their children - twins Donna and Heather, Judith, 17, and Douglas, 13.
Marion claimed he had strayed more than once, he was a sex addict and had told her she should give him the time of his life in bed to keep him.
Marion said of the latest revelation: "Poor Donna. She's the eldest and thought she was No1. Then last
year she found out she had a half-sister and was No2. Now all of a sudden she's No3."

Donna and the rest of the children are still dealing with the heartbreak of the split.
But she added: "When dad left, it was almost a relief to see them both happy. He knew himself that it was time to go." <Cheerio cheerio cheerio...etc>