Rangers simply can't paint over Blue period

HEARTS should expect to secure second place in the SPL this season with minimal discomfort. Rangers really are that bad. It's like a daily competition between the two clubs in the papers to see who can get the widest crack down their badge.

Even some of the ridiculously-loyal supporters are beginning to turn [and turn, and turn, but there's no escape]. In fact, a story reached me last week that I feel obliged to share. Okay, I couldn't keep it in any longer.

It comes from a mate who is every inch a Rangers sympathiser, so, naturally, most of my sympathy is reserved for him.

Apparently, as Stevie Milne was knocking in his second goal for St Johnstone last Wednesday, two Ibrox regulars in the Copland Road stand began an argument over Brahim Hemdani. To cut a long story short, one guy was intimating that the name Hemdani was really just rhyming slang, whilst the other was in staunch support of the French-Algerian.

Things soon got heated, and quickly the decibel level began to rise. "Ah'll biff you. D'you know who ah um?" said one. No, it wasn't Barry Ferguson. The reply given was possibly the least dimplomatic you could think of: "Here, everybody... thur's a guy here who disnae know who he is."

As the boxing commenced, those with standside seats nearby had been pre-occupied comfort-eating their Bluenose Burgers. But chortling with their mouths full was unavoidable despite the reality that there is really nothing funny about Rangers' form at the moment.

Rumour has it that the angry mob of 100 or so who gathered in the darkness outside Ibrox after the St Johnstone game were actually representatives of the Alex McLeish Supporters Club. How things have changed. Had McLeish begun a season the way Paul le Guen has, the ginger effigies would have been alight weeks ago.

Chairman David Murray has intervened in an attempt to calm everyone, and has succeeded in, er, making things worse. Taking a leaf out of Vladimir Romanov's book, he's threatened to sell his underperforming players to the likes of Bristol Rovers. I suppose, in a way, he should be commended for his thoughtfulness. At Hearts you get threatened with the ignominy of Kilmarnock.

Speaking of Tynecastle, the place is currently home to more directors than a film studio. Sport directors, directors of sport, sporting directors, it's getting a little difficult to keep track of who's who. Except we all know who carries the title of director of chaos.

If you pay attention to the rumour mill, Mr Romanov is presently in the process of stripping big Elvis of the captaincy, bulldozing Tynecastle and attempting to buy a controlling interest in Rangers from Murray. Just so he can get Sasa Papac to Hearts on loan, though. He likes filling the Tynecastle stands with Bosnian internationalists.

Oh, and Craig Gordon's going to Man United/Arsenal/Bayern Munich/Melchester Rovers [delete as appropriate]. It just goes to show how easily football fans in this country can work themselves into a frenzy.

Romanov didn't attend last week's Hall of Fame dinner at Prestonfield, which is rather surprising when you consider that Bobby Williamson did. But a full report of the evening would have been forwarded to his home in Lithuania.

Vlad had been keeping a close eye on the voting in the build-up to the event but resisted the temptation to interfere in the induction process at the 11th hour. Even the most loyal Romanov supporter would have baulked at Saulius Mikoliunas getting a place in the Hall of Fame.

This week might see things settle down a touch both at Ibrox and Tynecastle.

Hearts are confident of beating Falkirk tonight and Rangers won on Saturday. Of course, there's no telling what the future holds. Especially if someone decides to ask if you know who they are.

Beckham Celtic connection just a load of Tosh and Becks

THAT'S more like it. David Beckham is keen on returning to Manchester United when he leaves Real Madrid. That should quell all these ridiculous notions about him joining Celtic.

What exactly would have attracted him to Glasgow's east end in the first place? Can you imagine Tosh and Becks being satisfied with what's on offer at the Forge Market? Maybe they want the alloys nicked off their Bentley, or is it just that Brooklyn wants a skinhead haircut and a Kappa trackie for Christmas?

Whichever fantasist linked the Beckhams to Glasgow, the dream is over before it began. But, while it lasted ,it was fully indulged by those commercially-active minds at Parkhead.

"It is believable but there has been no direct contact between David Beckham's people and ourselves," said Peter Lawwell recently. "However, it shows the direction the club is going in. It shows Celtic are an attractive proposition to the best players.

"Beckham will know about Celtic and what it is like here. Beckham's people have not dismissed it. Who knows? There is no denial coming from them but don't get carried away." Right you are, Peter. We won't.

Perhaps Celtic simply got a little carried away. After signing Tam Gravesen from Madrid they maybe thought all the Gallooticos couldn't wait to get to Parkhead.

Getting bumped out of the CIS Cup by Falkirk is, after all, a unique experience.

Taken from the Scotsman