All rhyme but little reason at Tynecastle

“Fools, fools, fools:
With their doltish and cretinous rules;
The sad diagnosis?
They breed by osmosis…
And we’ll never be free of the fools…”

IT IS amazing what profundities are to be found in books of modern nursery rhymes. I discovered the above extract while searching for verses to read to my daughter. I think it has real resonance where recent events at Tynecastle are concerned. I told her so, but she said a limerick would be better to chronicle the latest hullabaloo surrounding Hearts before proceeding to compose the following:

A little Lithuanian called Vlad,
Like the craziest of hatters seemed mad;
He bought over the Hearts, And created a farce,
Treating certain employees right bad.

Well, what can you expect from a 14-week-old child? I still say she should have riffed on the ‘fools’ theme, though. Fools and doltish rules strikes to the core of the unholy mess at the Gorgie club. Hearts supporters were foolish to be sucked in by a curious credo among football fans that states the first whiff of strife at a club must be a media creation born out of bias.
Certain sections of the press, too, have adopted a foolhardy line in assessing what the autocratic actions of Vladimir Romanov are doing. It is a rule of our business to turn any crisis into Armageddon. Yet, as long as Romanov no more than continues to meet the club’s financial commitments, the less than sensational truth is that Hearts remain better off with him than they were, and would be, without him.
He has contempt for all conventions of the game and is treating employees like chattel. The latter is desperately unpleasant but happens in businesses across this land every day. Just ask journalists. As for the threat to Hearts’ traditions and identity, well, what do these terms actually mean? Granted, a day may arrive when he plays a team that does not contain a single Scot. That day arrived long ago for the Old Firm.
Romanov is an impossible, objectionable character. But unless he leaves Hearts with a trail of new debt – which is entirely possible – or the club find themselves struggling mid-table and preparing to sell Tynecastle before shipping out their best players to finance a new stadium – also entirely possible – he cannot yet be labelled strictly a force for ill down Gorgie way.
Still, Romanov should have a humungous jester’s hat placed on his head, then be forced to look in a mirror and repeat a comment he made in interview with this newspaper last October. “I strive to co-operate with everyone at the club,” he said. “The reality is that there must always be conflict of opinions in a successful venture. Anyone who says they know best is a fool; you must consult others.”
All hail the foolish Tsar of Tynecastle.
Double take

THOSE of shiny pate are always being told they look like others similarly cursed. I know from bitter experience. So does Scotland On Sunday columnist Jim Duffy. The 47-year-old was in a petrol station recently when the bloke behind the counter said: “You ur… you ur… Thomas Gravesen.” Quite taken to be mistaken for a man 17-years his junior, Jim thought he’d come clean and replied in his thickest Glasgow drawl: “Aye, and av’ picked up the language pretty quick tae’”. To which came the earnest, but somewhat unexpected, retort: “You’ve no haulf.”
Returning Japanese

SOMETHING strange happened at Celtic Park yesterday. Shinsuke Nakamura played a game there and Japanese journalist Daisuke Nakajima wasn’t there to see it. Daisuke has been writing about Nakamura’s every cough, spit and burp since the midfielder moved to Celtic 15 months ago. This weekend, however, he is on a break back home. Well deserved because he has to write about Nakamura even when there is nothing to write about. The playmaker was rested for his club’s recent CIS Cup defeat by Falkirk. “Do you still file a report when he doesn’t play,” I asked Daisuke that evening. “No,” came the reply from the fine fellow, “I write the scoreline… and that he doesn’t play.”
Any old irony

A FEW charming comments on the website about last week’s Stramash. Kejaan from London seemed most taken by several items.
“Ah… and who says irony is dead?” read the post. “Castigating others for wiling away the hours on football fan sites on the internet and then – er – quoting from a piece posted by the Covenantor on a football fan site on t’internet… “You really couldn’t make it up… Oh, and what jolly japes to coin a linesman with only a 2p piece. Should have used at least a 50p coin eh? It obviously shows class to coin someone with a weapon of value.
“I mean, look at that guy who threw a mobile phone at Rooney at Everton. No doubt Mr Smith would have thrown at least a PDA or a Blackberry.
“You definitely get a better class of idiot at The Scotsman… ”
Kejaan may have misunderstood this column’s – er – currency, somewhat. And, in terms of “castigating” then “quoting” fan websites, was it ever considered that the latter might serve to illustrate the former? Mind you, Kejaan also had a go at me for posting the wrong pseudonym on the fan piece used. It was actually from PaisleyProd not the Covenanter. Appalling for me, Andrew Smith, e-mail address below, mistakenly to use one indentity-concealing title instead of another. I’m so crushed. [See, irony’s certainly not dead].
Classic quote

“The love of the fans is like the love of a woman, they can change their minds.”
Vladmir Romanov, September 2005
Fulminating fans

“As a team we have more changes than an upper class whore’s bedsheets – the majority have not been down to injury or suspension, but because someone, somewhere doesn’t have a scooby… “We have replaced one crazy fool with another – this one writes about monkeys, has fights with people and is playing a game with his money. This game is called – ‘you can’t coach a football team ‘cos you don’t have the skills, knowledge or experience – so buy the team and do what you want’.
“And as for the meejia saying ‘we told you so’ – to be honest, they f****** did, we were just so far up Vlad’s arse that we shot them all down for being west coast arses.”
Post by Ally Niemi, founder member of the Davy Crocket fan club, on Jambos:Net.
Eh, really?

“There is no role for Eugenijus Riabovas. He is here for professional improvement. He came to see us training to improve for his team in Lithuania. He did not get involved in coaching, he was just observing. He has no link with Hearts. I don’t know about his links with Mr Romanov.”
Hearts sporting director Alex Koslovski dismissing talk that FB Kaunas coach Riabovas could have been in line to take over as stand-in-stand-in coach from stand-in coach Eduard Malofeev, as permanent coach Valdas Invanauskas recovers from ill-health in Lithuania, November 7.
“They have a very strong team and I’m good enough to be coach. There are good trainers and bad trainers and I’m a good trainer. I’ve been here in Scotland for about two weeks, just watching. I know Hearts have been doing fairly well recently. I hope that continues. I will start work on Monday, a day after the match against Rangers. I will be at Tynecastle to watch the team play before taking over. It’s not a permanent position, only temporary.”
Eugenijus Riabovas, on becoming Hearts temporary coach after Eduard Malofeev unexpectedly returned home to earn his UEFA pro-licence, November 15. --------
What do you think

Taken from the Scotsman