Absence is hardly making Hearts fonder

I THINK I'm getting the hang of this running a football club lark. You turn up for games while the adulation is spewing out at you, everything's fine and dandy, Champions Leagues places are being secured and there are open-top bus parades to be getting on with.

You release your own ringtone [albeit to a tune stolen from Julien Brellier] safe in the knowledge that the fans will throw their beer money at it.

Then you make sure you splat your clench-fisted image all over the covers of DVDs that are supposed to commemorate winning the Scottish Cup.

Results are going well and therefore you become a legend amongst your club's supporters in a matter of months.

Then, as soon as the old excrement hits the fan - zilcho. Vladimir and Roman, the Del and Rodney of inter-club wheeling and dealing, are nowhere to be seen right now.

In their place is a list of disciplinary measures that would make Augusto Pinochet blush. Kind of makes you nostalgic for Chris Robinson, doesn't it? Okay, that's pushing it. But even Saulius Mikoliunas doesn't hide as much as this.

The Romanovs aren't quite as popular as they once were at Tynecastle but fronting up to face the flak doesn't seem to be on the agenda for the moment.

They'd prefer to pull the strings from afar, for which read 'bricking it in Kaunas'.

At least Robinson had the decency to come out and take a pasting for his actions.

When was the last time Vlad in particular showed face at a Hearts home game?

Hell, even attending a disciplinary meeting would be a start. There are, after all, plenty to choose from.

Craig Gordon has one tomorrow, at which he'll likely be given a slap on the wrist and a Mars Bar.

He's already been given the captain's armband. Maybe then, with the Riccarton Three "sorted out", we'll see the return of the Kaunas Two.

Or perhaps there's more disciplining to be done, in which case better let Pedro get on with doing what he does best.

I can hear the computer randomly selecting a scapegoat as I write. What about Alex Koslovski, it must be his turn to be suspended surely? Apart from Valdas Ivanauskas, Koslovski was the only member of the Hearts management team to address the media at Riccarton on Friday. "Hello guys, are you missing me?" he chortled on the way out the front door. Unfortunately, the response he got is not suitable for a family newspaper.

It's also not worth the suspension.

By the time Vlad and Roman do finally get round to braving the Hearts directors' box, it might be like Nicolae Ceaucescu attempting to face the Romanian public all over again. Tynecastle's Section N are not a particularly forgiving bunch, especially when their footballing heroes are being picked off one by one.

The situation is descending into a battle of cultures between Romanov and the native Hearts fans, with the media situated in the middle.

In the UK, it is customary to be as mannerly and courteous as possible throughout your day-to-day life. Unless you happen to be John McCririck. By contrast, Russians are notorious for their rather abrupt nature, which is commonplace in their country and therefore not considered offensive.

You can just imagine life at home with the Romanovs. Svetlana: "Does my bum look big in this?" Vlad: "Yes, humungous. Now move out of the way, I'm watching Tango TV and your cellulite-ridden backside is blocking my view."

The watching brief has certainly been a familiar one for Romanov recently.

They'll probably have built the new stand at Tynecastle before he plucks up the courage to return.

Taken from the Scotsman