Stramash: the return

Santa comes calling with Christmas gifts for Scottish football

HO, HO, ho and a bottle of rum… as a piratical Father Christmas might say. If there was such a thing, he would surely dish out presents with an edge to them. Which set us thinking here at Stramash. What would a shiver-me-timbers Santa Claus - oh-arr - give to some of those who have been setting the scene in Scottish football? So, full of some sort of spirit, we give you these characters and the booty that they would be in line to receive tomorrow morning from any seasonally-warped treasure chest masquerading as a red sack. Which has a suitably unpleasant ring to it.
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Vladimir Romanov

An architect’s plans of Guantanamo Bay and a job lot of orange boiler suits. A truly practical gift for any self-respecting, and otherwise disrespecting, autocrat. No more would the Hearts owner require to banish players to punish them. Instead, he could incorporate his very own torture chamber in the reconstructed Tynecastle main stand for some special, in-house humiliation.
Paul le Guen

A fine malt whisky, a tin of shortbread and an Oor Wullie annual. The Rangers manager could then pour himself a large half, tuck into his shortbread [must be from a tartan tin, incidentally], immerse himself in the adventures of our best-loved comic strip icon and, just for once, truly feel at home in his Scottish surrounds.
Neil Lennon

Green-and-white-hooped straitjacket. A severe, but entirely effective, means by which the Celtic captain would never again be able to raise his hands to any team-mates. Or anyone else. Or gesture to anyone, for that matter. Or play, but we will overlook that. This is a time of goodwill towards all contrivances.
Anthony Stokes

Year’s free pass on the Falkirk Wheel. If the striker spent enough time on it during Christmas week he might become delirious enough to drive Arsene Wenger round the bend with his protestations about wanting to extend his loan spell with John Hughes’ side.
Scott Brown and Kevin Thomson
Course in contract law. Granted, such a gift might have proved better value last Christmas but at least it would serve to remind the Hibernian pair that parties who commit to three-year and four-year agreements, bizarrely, tend to see them as binding for more than six months.
Walter Smith

Sedan chair. The Scotland manager might as well be allowed to go the full hog since he has already become a magisterial presence to the Tartan Army and the Scottish media. With room for a telly in one of these things, it would provide him a comfy vantage point to watch all the games from the Euro 2008 finals.
Craig Gordon

Piece of elasticised black material and a needle and thread. These items would be just the dab to turn his captain’s armband into a gag. Only a few stitches and, hey presto, the Hearts goalkeeper could conjure up a gag-band. By sporting that at all times off the field he could avoid going the way of previous skipper Steven Pressley.
David Taylor

Pencil, rubber and two months’ leave. A package of goodies that would allow the SFA chief executive to go away and rewrite the association’s constitution in a manner that offered the perfect ‘flexibility’ over any articles.
Gordon Strachan

Nose-peg. Sticking one of these on the Celtic manager’s snozzel might be the only surefire way to prevent him being sniffy to reporters and, especially, the poor beggars who have to put a mic in front of his face immediately before and after games.
Daily Record

Unsigned New Year greetings card. A small gesture, but one that would at least save anyone on the paper rushing out to buy the card they will surely be sending to Willie McKay. It is the least they can do as way of thanks for all the juicy back pages the agent has given them in 2006 and the many more he will put their way to in the coming year.
Eh, really?

"I feel this situation is being created by Petrie.” Willie McKay, quoted in the Sun on Thursday, following Hibernian chairman Rod Petrie’s decision to turn down a combined £3m offer for the 'super' agent's now expertly unsettled clients, Scott Brown and Kevin Thomson. No truth in the rumour McKay also stated last week: "I feel this Santa Claus fella undoubtedly exists". Or that he is considering representing the Ghost of Christmas Past, the Tooth Fairy and the Grinch. The full Monty: a provocation?

NEVER mind Artur Boruc inciting Rangers supporters at Ibrox by daring to make the sign of the cross/cross himself [always thought the latter sounded like the person was either falling out with themselves or contorting their body into some weird position]. What about that cricketer Monty Panesar?

The left-arm spinner is a devout Ramgharia Sikh. And without any sensitivity to supporters of opposing teams who arrive at cricket grounds with their own religious prejudices, the Northamptonshire and England player swans on to every pitch in his black patka, a smaller version of the full turban. He bowls, fields and bats in his patka, which means spectators with their own religious prejudices can be subjected to him expressing his beliefs for up to seven hours on any given day. And, the worst of it is, not a word is said about Panesar’s provocation.
Classic Exchange

Chic Young: "Can we talk about it after the game?"
Paul le Guen: "Yes, you can talk about it with your friends but… with me, I don’t know."
BBC Scotland’s intrepid reporter is given short shrift by the Rangers manager on Barry Ferguson captaincy issue ahead of kick-off at Ibrox a week ago.
Fulminating fans

"As a staunch Orangeman and someone who was at the game yesterday, I cannot believe that the Scotsman has chosen to run with this as its lead story. This is no more than a pathetic attempt by, I suspect, Anglofied and certainly out of touch middle-class Edinburgh editors to make something out of nothing and in so doing paint Rangers, Celtic and ultimately Scotland in a bad light."

"Did what Boruc do offend me? Not in the slightest - though his prayers seemed to work, as he had a blinder and denied the Gers the three points we deserved. But a great game, a great advert for Scottish football as a whole was let down by crass journalism that even the News of the World would be ashamed of."

"The Scotsman - you are a disgrace to your name. I am just embarrassed by your reporting."
Poster 'Billy B' on Scotsman.com reacts to our sister paper's decision to splash on Monday with "Artur Boruc provoked Rangers fans by making the sign of the cross" following the previous day's Old Firm meeting.

Taken from the Scotsman